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Ready to combine finances with your partner? You have options
If you’re in a serious romantic relationship, you and your partner may be wondering how to balance your finances. Should you share a joint bank account? Keep your accounts separate? Do a combination of the two?
The path depends on you and your partner’s financial goals and background. So before you decide, have an open and honest conversation, says Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, financial therapist and author of The solution to financial anxiety – “preferably before events that change the relationship, such as moving in together or buying a car together.”
Talking about money may seem awkward, but it can also strengthen relationships. “We are deepening our connection. We are dreaming together and creating a plan,” she adds.
Bryan-Podvin talks to Life Kit about what it means to successfully combine your finances with your partner’s, the merits of each approach — and strategies for success. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Sharing a joint bank account appears to have many benefits. A 2023 Large-Scale Study found that couples who put all their money in one pot tended to be happier. They stayed together longer than those who kept some or all of their money separate. Why do you think this happens?
My hypothesis is that it decreases the likelihood of financial infidelity. One of the biggest issues couples argue about It is The financial secrets that can happen when we have completely separate accounts. Maybe someone is racking up a ton of credit card debt or taking out personal loans. Or maybe they don’t have a great credit score and aren’t working to improve it. [If you have a joint bank account]your partner is in [on these issues] from the start.
For this reason, you recommend that couples share a joint account.
Having a fully joint account is great because couples can spend, save, and talk about it openly.
You also like an approach that the financial community calls “theirs, mine and ours.” It’s an arrangement where couples have a joint account for shared expenses and individual accounts for personal expenses.
“Theirs, mine and ours” can work really well when most of your money is shared. You [can use your joint account to] Make sure your bills and rent are paid on time, and save for future goals together. But each of you has a little money to spend as you please without having to text your partner and say, “Hey, can I buy a new pair of shoes?” None of us want to feel like we’re under the thumb of our partner, so having some financial autonomy is important.
Are there some situations where it might make sense to have separate accounts?
If you’ve experienced financial abuse or seen someone steal someone else’s credit or identity, you may have very strong feelings about having to share your money with others. So it makes sense to keep your finances separate.
And I think it’s important for people who are divorced or separated to keep separate bank accounts or do a “theirs, mine and ours” for financial protection. [to avoid assets getting mixed up with court proceedings for example].
Is there such a thing as splitting everything 50-50 in a relationship?
This idea of splitting everything 50-50 makes sense in theory, but we simply don’t live in a theoretical world. Even if you’re earning the same amount, that doesn’t necessarily mean your financial situation is equal. One partner might have $150,000 in student loans, for example. And there will be times when one person is taking on more emotional labor or more household chores.
So keeping all of this in mind is very important. I think about [a couple’s finances] like a big old soup. Everything goes into the pot and everything gets mixed up, and it’s very difficult to know who gave what.
So between these three approaches – joint bank account, “theirs, mine and ours” and separate accounts – how do you figure out which approach is right for you?
Have conversations about money. Don’t just ask, “What’s your credit score? How much do you earn?” Also ask: “What have you been taught about money? What are you proud of that you do financially? What are the things you wish you were a little better at financially?” Get a sense of what matters to your partner so you have a clear understanding of their relationship with money.
Try it. Maybe we’ll try for three months to have all our money together and see what it’s like to have our bills on automatic debit. If this seems really stressful to one of us, then sit down and say, “Is there anything else we can do to make this less stressful?”
Give yourself the opportunity to make sure you’re on the same page emotionally and financially, and remember that none of this is set in stone. You’re figuring out how to merge your finances with someone else’s, which is already a challenging skill for an independent adult. It’s totally normal to experience growing pains along the way.
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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